vulnerability

"I think I was more of a boy than you when I was young. I rarely cry, I went out and play with boys and I fell a lot but I am sure I didn't cry a lot when I was a child."

"But you seem to cry a lot nowadays, don't you? It's the opposite of me."

We had this conversation weeks ago. Made me realize how much time could change somebody. Indeed, I was not that kind of kid who would cry a lot. I kept everything inside, had this powerful grip to keep my emotion intact. I wasn't vulnerable. I honestly think my heart was made of huge wall; hard to be penetrated by anyone. I don't even know why. If only I could stay the same way as I was years ago, I definitely would.

Being vulnerable is not an advantage. But then again, its not even bad. I am not even sure of myself. I tend to trust someone quickly, which, I think, is bad. Honestly, whenever I let personal stuffs out of this mouth (usually something very personal e.g. my suicide attempt), its usually on this 'I-want-to-be-accepted' basis. Call me attention whore or whatever, I don't care. I just... tend to trust people quickly. All I need is acceptance. I've been living in this fear of not being accepted by everyone because of whatever wrongs I could have done at some points of my life.

I suddenly thought about this last week and I came to this one conclusion. Maybe those personal issue I tend to tell everyone doesn't really matter to me cause its just a history. Still, I don't know. I could be wrong because until today, it all could came back to me in just a blink of eyes. It could happen all of sudden, without me knowing.

You little piece of shit should really be grateful for not having to deal with your own self exposing you when you meet someone new. I might be wrong but if this is true, you don't have to worry about not being accepted cause you rarely choose to let people inside that wall of yours. You might be one weak bean when you were small but look at that wall of yours, so thick and huge and all I could see when I first met you was me, lying on the ground, dying from the embarrassment of being so fucking weak.

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