its all over the place

What have you been up to? Did you kill some souls? Did you tear your own heart apart? I don't know. Coping mechanism. A way to cope with your suffering and pain. We all have our own hardship and struggles, which, sometimes, acknowledged by only ourselves, until we decide to open up to anyone out there. 

What do you do when people tell you about how much of a help you have been to them? 
What do you do when people tell you about how much of an admiration you have been to them?

When all you can think about yourselves... Is nothing. All you have done since the beginning is loathing yourself to the point where you can't find the way out. You can't stop thinking about how much of a burden you have been to everyone. You can't stop thinking about how much of a pain you have been to everyone. You swallow pills. You cut your wrist open, hoping that it was all just a dream. A nightmare. 

A living nightmare.

What if you're living that kind of life you used to have nightmares about when you were a child? And this, I will get back to this later.

Someone, I know left the country for the United States a few days ago. I would say she's an important person to me, though we didn't really talk when I was in high school. I couldn't think of any reason for sending her off to the United States except for this "weird" connection between us. Whenever I look at her, I can see another me because she's a perfect reflection of myself. We went through episodes of self-harm, failure, and pain but we managed to stay alive or simply saying it, we didn't die. She once talked about how much she admires me and told me about how strong I have been all these while and I couldn't help but bawl my eyes out. I was dumbfounded. It sounds ridiculous cause I have never thought nicely about myself because all I have been doing is counting those countless flaws of mine. I  have never seen any good things in me cause I was certain that they weren't even there at the first place. 

I don't know but if you're reading this, please know that I will always cherish your existence in my life. I know this sounds cheesy but honestly, this is what I feel about you.

And to people out there,

I am sorry if I have ever hurt any of you. I don't know but if you really feel hurt seeing me at my worst, I am really sorry for I couldn't control myself. I know I tend to get irritating sometimes but please know that I am trying my very best to be better. I am trying so hard to get a grip on myself.


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