:) (Part 1)

I am barely living. I wish I could be cheerful and happy. I wish I could forget everything even for minutes. This is insane but after all, living comes with these things in a package.

Some people came to me and talked about the depression they are currently facing now. I am glad that I could lend my ears to listen to the their unspoken feelings. Not having anyone to listen to you is really painful cause I was at that place two years ago. I kept quiet and remained silence, afraid if I'd bother anyone. I knew it was not right to stay silent but I was only capable of doing that.

I had bipolar disorder and depression and surprisingly, still. It was so bad. I did not want to go to school and getting out of bed was so tough. I was from daily school so its easy to skip school. Nobody would find you because its home. But for me, home was more like hell for reasons. I think I couldn't bear too much stress which resulted in my depression at that time. I was fifteen when I started to cut myself. I thought nobody would believe me for my depression because all I could think they would say is "You are still young its impossible to be depressed" and yeah I received that from a lot of people. It was really painful.

Everything was difficult until I fell sick for almost a week. I don't really remember what sickness it was but the doctor had noticed unusual things in me and told me to not stress myself that much. I cried and slept A LOT for the whole week. I did not tell anyone at school about it. My friends were really worried because its rare to see me not going to school. I missed a lot of lessons and had to catch up as soon as I recovered.

I was not diagnosed. I just happened to know that I suffer from depression and bipolar disorder. The symptoms fit me perfectly. The shoes fit though I had never been diagnosed. I had terrible mood swings. I could go from happy to angry in seconds. Everything was terrible.

I entered a boarding school the next year which is my school now. It was fine until I did really bad in my first exam. I wasted my tears weeping over my bad results which is kind of stupid whenever I look at it again. It was really bad that I did not even want to get out of my room. I locked myself in the room which had caused troubles to my roommate. I went to school with my eyes swollen and its really embarrassing. I had no motivation to study at all. I flunked every exam successfully because I could not be bothered anymore. I am good at languages, history and islamic studies but not in science subjects which resulted in my decision to go to the art school after I graduated.

It is not easy to share things with people. It is not easy telling people this because some would simply insult or say that I am crazy. I have a lot to say but it is hard so I am going to leave it here. Until then, folks.


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